June 15, 2010

“Women . . . Who made ‘em? God must have been a . . . genius. Their hair. They say that the hair is everything, you know? Have you ever buried your nose in a mountain of curls, and just wanted to go to sleep forever? –Bo Goldman, “The Start of an Education” (made popular by the movie Scent of a Woman)
I’m always a bit tickled when a woman gives me a compliment on my hair and she’s with her man. If she uses a relaxer, she might ask for tips on the transition process to going natural—and her man looks scared as hell. Sweating bullets all of a sudden and giving me a side-eye, his face reads: I hope you’re not thinking of coming home with that s&*t on your head. My afro and I may have just started construction on the yellow brick road of his relationship.

Hands On
But seriously, when black women turn away from relaxers to go natural, for fashion, for mental liberation, just to see how it feels—whatever the reason—we may go through a cluster of emotions as we get accustomed to looking at, feeling, and caring for our new coifs—and dudes are just to accept it and go along for the ride with not one (not one!) word.
We are mindful, however, that this is a time of transition for you as well. You, too, have to familiarize your eyes, hands, and minds with our “new” textures and hair rituals. Hopefully, some of the tips below can help you through the process.
Remember, it’s temporary / always changing. And process is first on the list, because that’s what transition is. Every time that voice in your head whispers you don’t like the way she looks or She just doesn’t look the same, tell yourself that in three months, you’ll feel different—because you will. And in three months, especially if she’s looking at blogs and scouring websites as most of us do—she’ll probably look different as she gets a handle on what works for her.
Be hands on—literally. Feel it. Grease or massage her scalp if that’s what she’s into. Express interest—don’t give the silent approval (thinking you’re being supportive by not saying anything ugly, but not actually saying anything positive). When you become invested in her crowning glory (damn, I promised myself I wouldn’t use “Nubian” terminology on this post), you just might fall in love with it yourself, and laying hands on your lover’s scalp during such a (possibly) vulnerable time can add another level of intimacy to your relationship.

Butters
Explore your own feelings, even the history of them. I know, I know. Stereotypical dudes don’t do feeling exploration. But you’re not those dudes. You’re here, at AOI’s Power Your Imagination, so I assume you’ve got something extra (wink). So do that and communicate with your lady.*
Tell her she’s pretty. Kiss her. Make whoopee. The point is, no one likes rocking a TWA (teenie weenie afro) and a frown. It’s much easier if they feel appealing and appreciated. Makes life better for the both of ya.
Be overall supportive. Remember, guys can be cheerleaders too! If you’re going through such emotions watching from the sidelines, imagine how she’s feeling in her new hair digs—she’s in the game.**
Obviously this list includes many tips outside of you—that’s because it really (really) ain’t about you. Directly, that is. That said, we realize that your feelings and well-being are mixed up in this too, and we want to grow with you. (We wanna look hot for you too, of course.) Sure it can be a big change, but wouldn’t you agree that couples need to shake things up?
* Ladies—I know you won’t but—try not to bark when your man expresses misgivings. Surely, though, because these guys have that something extra, they’ll come at you with the most delicate approach.
** I’m tempted to compare this with such a life change as men balding—it’s largely a man’s issue; women experience it from the outside (but it’s not exactly the same…)